Greeting Cards Unsuccessfully Marketed By Hallmark Front: I'm sorry to hear you have gone blind. Inside: See you later, you bastard! Front: I'm sorry to hear you are brain dead. Inside: It's really not that bad when you think about it. Front: My sympathies on the last of your father's teeth falling out. Inside: Well, dadgummit! Front: My condolences on the loss of your arms. Inside: Write back soon. Front: I'm sorry to hear you have contracted Alzheimer's disease. Inside: I'm sorry to hear you have contracted Alzheimer's disease. Front: I heard that you were very sick. Inside: I hope that you die painlessly. Front: I heard you were dead. Inside: I hope it was painless. Front: I heard your whole family got shot. Inside: So I turned up the volume on the stereo. Front: Congratulations on your first period! Inside: Let's go out and paint the town red! Front: Thank God you aren't pregnant! Inside: I might have had to admit I've had sex with *you*. Front: I heard that you attempted suicide. Inside: Wishing you luck and success in all that you do. Front: After all these years, it was good to run into you again. Inside: Thank God this time you didn't leave as much blood on my bumper! Front: I was sorry to hear that your dog ran away. Inside: Next time try cooking him a little longer. Front: They told me you were constipated. Inside: No shit? Front: Wishing you a speedy recovery from your accident. Inside: Look forward to seeing you in court! Front: Get well soon. Inside: I am sick of walking two miles to get water. Front: Congratulations on finally getting a life. Inside: Now get ready to lose it. Front: Hot damn! Inside: I'm sorry to hear that your house burned down. Front: Congratulations on your weight loss! Inside: It's a shame you had to saw off your legs to do it. Front: When life deals you a hard blow. Inside: So can I, big boy. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...I'd say "Get well soon" ...but I know it's incurable. My tire was thumping.... I thought it was flat.... when I looked at the tire.... I found your cat... Sorry! You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one... of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright side, she's a really good lay. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... Don't fret about your wife though... She's moving in with me. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have installed... Win'95. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the fuck was I thinking? Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind. I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me. If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister. As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy... Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this! Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again. We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits. I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday - so we're having you put to sleep.
