Humour Files: Horror

Horror Movie Survival Kit

 * When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check
   to see if it's really dead.
 * If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was
   once a church that was used for black masses, had previous
   inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some
   horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or
   satanic practices in your house move away immediately.
 * Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
 * Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone
 * If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language
   which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice
   which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will
   save you a lot of grief in the long run.
   NOTE: - It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be
 * When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it
 * As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
 * Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a
   grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
 * If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find
   out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you
   value your life.
 * If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
 * Do not take *anything* from the dead.
 * If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a
   reason. Take the hint and stay away.
 * Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you
   know what you are doing.
 * If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down
   at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also
   note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster
   is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch
   up with you.
 * If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
   behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
   increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as
 * Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are
   listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God
   help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any
   small town in Maine.
 * If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby
   deserted-looking house to phone for help.
 * Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns,
   hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers,
   butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made
   from deceased companions.
 * Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the
   audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you
   could ever hope to be.

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