Humour Files: Installation


"How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program" by Dave Barry
(from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace")

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that
explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
It should look something like this:

3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM

NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain
detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the
software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope
that says:


By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by
all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that
nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N.
Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective
Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and
imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and
appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and
examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear
drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us
part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light, in the
name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, finders keepers,
losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget
to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child),
please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the
following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see
what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK
with you? Choose one, and be honest:

+-------+ +--------+
|  YES  | |  SURE  |
+-------+ +--------+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for
a very long time while the installation program does God knows what
in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular
structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been
transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and
fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like
"puree.exe", "fester.dat", and "doo.wha".

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display
the folloing message:


The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to
your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your
software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks,
insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal
parasites, you should immediately *!!$)$%&*^)$*!#$_$*^&

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than
the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package
and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a
clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

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