Humour Files: Intel

Posted to
by rice_burners_suck on Monday October 08, @16:06 (#2402132) 
(User #243660 Info) 

Intel today announced its new 1024-bit (1 kilobit) microprocessor
architecture technology. Named the Shiitakeum, Intel's new
processor core boasts powerful new technologies which will enable 
content providers to deliver compelling enterprise solutions.

The Shiitakeum incorporates the following new features:

* SingleAtom technology squeezes one thousand transistors into a
single atom.

* The processing pipeline has been broken down into 299,792,458 
discreet steps, enabling Intel to remove the internal clock
altogether and run the processor at the speed of light. One 
"cycle" represents the absolute cosmic measure unit of time, and
all operations occur in one cycle. (Compete with that, AMD! 

* 24,856 new instructions have been added since the previous 
model, bringing the new total to over 72 trillion instructions.
The entire UNIX operating system can be programmed in one

* RAM has been depreciated. 4 terabytes of internal general-use 
registers allow software to make more efficient data access,
providing a more compelling Internet experience.

* Intel (r) AnswerNow (tm) Technology bends the space-time 
continuum, allowing the results of branch instructions and
mathematical operations to be used before they are computed. The 
computations take place during idle cycles at some future time.

* Intel (r) CodeSpirit (tm) Technology processes machine code by 
its spirit, rather than its letter, completely eliminating
software bugs and preventing malicious code, such as a virus,
from executing.

* Intel (r) AlienCode (tm) Technology, based on CodeSpirit, allows
users to execute programs written for any other processor,
without previous knowledge of that processor's instruction set. 
The technology examines and "decyphers" the instructions and data
in much the same way that scientists decypher written languages 
used by past civilizations. Via AnswerNow and CodeSpirit
technologies, programs written for other processors actually run 
faster and better on Intel platforms than on their native processor.
As a side effect, the processor now directly executes programs and 
scripts written in Java or any P-code or text-based language. In
fact, even instructions spelled out in English are understood and 
executed by the processor.

* Intel (r) BrainWaves (tm) Technology allows the processor to 
read and write information in the user's mind. The processor is
given away for free, and based on the user's thoughts, targetted 
advertisements are inserted directly into the user's mind. The
process is painless, and simply feels like a song stuck in your
head. A nominal (i.e., expensive) fee can be paid daily to
eliminate the advertisements.

	The Intel Shiitakeum Processor. Mushrooms Inside.

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