Humour Files: Kookie Americans



1.    WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps
it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2.    WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman
who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them,
shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."

3.    WHAT WAS PLAN B?
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced
him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then
proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4.    THE GETAWAY
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money
in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed
up and grabbed him.

5.    DID I SAY THAT?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect, who just couldn't
control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup
to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted,
"That's not what I said."

6.  ARE WE COMMUNICATING?
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant. Her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband."

7.    NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a
Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used his thumb and finger to
simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

8.    THE GRAND FINALE
This is a true story! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the
high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to
boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't
get their brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane
at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much
power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted
over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was
wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order.
The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct
size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check 
underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the
boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.


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