Humour Files: Noah 2002

Noah 2002

If Noah had lived in the United States in the year 2002,
the story may have gone something like this...........
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I
am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth
with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want
you to save the righteous people and two of every kind
of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you
to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications
for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans
and agreed to build the ark. Remember, said the Lord,
"you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard
in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered
the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a
tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his
front yard weeping.

"Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best,
but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit
for construction, and your plans did not meet the
building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and
redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over
whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and
approved floatation devices.

Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating
zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front
yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission.

Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect
the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest
Service that I really needed the wood to save the
owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't
let me take the 2 owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I
had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor
Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or
hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but
still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, an
animal rights group sued me. They objected to me
taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is

Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not
complete the Ark without filing an environmental
impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't
take very kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the

Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of
the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed
with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that
I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists

The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm
building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to
avoid paying taxes.

I just got a notice from the state that I owe them
some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark
as a 'recreational water craft'.

And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an
injunction against further construction of the Ark,
saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a
religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional. I
really don't think I can finish the Ark for another
five or six years."

Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to
shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean
you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The
government already has."

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