Humour Files: Revocation

By: Drew Cullen
Posted: 15/11/2000 at 10:42 GMT

 The Register has had an enormous response to Thomas Greene's pieces on the US
 election. Indeed, we are so encouraged that we've decided to take up political
 reporting full-time. Expect to see RSN. Thanks once again for all your
 kind words. We never wanted to be computer journalists, anyway. 

 Here's a taste of things to come (currently doing the email rounds, anyone know the


 Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all
 states, commonwealths and other territories including New Jersey. Her Sovereign
 Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states,
 commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your
 new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have
 until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
 minister for America without the need 
 for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. 

 To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
 introduced with immediate effect: 

 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up
 "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at 
 just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your
 vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the 
 same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
 know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up

 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't
 that hard. 

 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. 

 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but
 only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give
 up half way through. 

 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football.
 What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you
 who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no
 one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
 should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the
 girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
 play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
 a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We
 are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. 

 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they
 give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world
 outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never
 been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit". 

 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national
 holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". 

 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good.
 When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 

 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. 

 11. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason 

 12. Enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. Train waitresses to be more
 aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before you eat. 

 13. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take six weeks
 annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks. 

 14. Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars to effect the change

 15. Report to our Consulate General in NY - M Wragg - for your new passport and
 job allocation. 

 16. Have Meg Ryan report to the Prince Andrews Bedchamber. 

 17. Add the Royal insignia to the top of the Washington Monument - and the
 Queens Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial. 

 18. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it the National
 Series of USA, Cuba and Japan. 

 Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
 acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). 

 Thank you for your cooperation and have a nice day! 

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